Post by Darkjak87 on May 12, 2014 13:03:06 GMT -5
Heya folks! So, some of you are probably familiar with Skippy's List, or spinoffs inspired by it. That said, I decided to type up a fairly quick list of the things that the Krimzon Guard is no longer allowed to do based on that. A little context first so no one is lost: The First Echelon is the heavy weapons unit of the Special Operations Division. The Second Echelon are the spies and black operatives, and the Third Echelon are the snipers. That said, here's the list:
1. Commander Errol does not have schizophrenia, and you should stop pretending to hear orders given by ‘the voices in his head’.
2. Hand grenades are not golf balls, and should not be used as such.
3. Related to the above, the firing range at Fortress Command is not an appropriate place to host any sort of sporting event.
4. Even if they are intended to promote unit cohesion.
5. Stuffing a Metal Head corpse and posing it inside Major Knight’s office as a prank was funny exactly once. That hallway still smells like napalm.
6. Transport aircraft and trained aircrews are in short supply, and will not be used for kamikaze attacks no matter how many times it is suggested.
7. There is not a midget trapped in the suggestion box.
8. The complaint department is not a front to arrest dissenters, and you should stop implying that it is.
9. Not allowed to join the Underground Resistance movement.
10. Even if you claim to be ‘infiltrating their ranks’. That’s the Second Echelon’s job.
11. Do not challenge any member of the First Echelon to light a cigarette with a flamethrower. They will always do it, and the damage to the Fortress Armory is still being repaired.
12. Second Echelon soldiers cannot turn invisible.
13. Not allowed to threaten anyone with Eco, especially if you aren’t an Ecoist.
14. Eco is a scarce resource, and tapping the grid to power any unauthorized equipment is strictly forbidden.
15. Directed energy weapons do not exist, and you should stop implying that Guard rifles are laser weapons.
16. No longer allowed to refer to the regular Guardsmen as ‘cannon fodder’, even if it’s true.
17. The person who electrified Commander Errol’s office doorknob will be shot when they are found.
18. ‘Hostage rescue’ and ‘strategic ordinance deployment’ should never be used in the same sentence.
19. To the First Echelon: Doors exist for a reason, and should be used whenever possible. Blasting through a wall is not always necessary when breaching and clearing a building.
20. No longer allowed to challenge a member of the Second Echelon to infiltrate the Metal Head Nest.
21. Even if they think they can do it.
22. Commander Errol and Baron Praxis are not having an affair, and the person who started that rumor will be executed when they are found.
23. It is inappropriate to use a Hellcat Cruiser to bypass traffic laws because you ‘need a drink right this second’.
24. Under no circumstances should landmines be used as mouse traps.
25. The Second Echelon is no longer allowed to use the slogan ‘dead witnesses are quiet witnesses’. It’s not good for civilian morale.
26. Soldiers are to stop referring to civilians as ‘suspects’ while they are within earshot.
27. The Underground has not infiltrated the Fortress, and Sergeant Victors is no longer allowed to perform interrogations.
28. Metal Heads do not use human spies, and therefore it is inappropriate to accuse a soldier of being one.
29. The Second Echelon is no longer allowed to refer to themselves as ‘Internal Affairs’.
30. We will not surrender to the Metal Heads.
31. Or the Underground.
32. Not allowed to mount a bayonet on the front of a Hellcat Cruiser.
33. Just because Sergeant Mendoza can create explosives from blasting caps, gunpowder, and ‘that purple stuff from the Hip Hog’ doesn’t mean they should be used in place of standard grenades. There is still a massive hole in the exterior wall of the Fortress.
34. A taxidermied Metal Head leg is not an appropriate replacement for a melee weapon.
35. Referring to the Fortress prison block as ‘the dungeons’ is not allowed.
36. Or the ‘maximum fun zone’.
37. Not allowed to scream ‘it’s alive, it’s alive!’ during Dark Eco experiments on live subjects.
38. Command decisions cannot be vetoed by a 2/3 majority vote.
39. Lubricating oil is in short supply, and should not be applied to boot soles as a prank.
40. Not allowed to conscript children into the Guard for being annoying. The minimum age for enlistment is 17.
41. Not allowed to hijack propaganda stations to play your own voice recordings.
42. Zephan the ottsel is not a pet, and you should not refer to him as such. Operative Harland is still in the infirmary being treated for a pinched nerve and multiple lacerations.
43. Not authorized to operate military vehicles without proper training.
44. Especially if you’re drunk.
45. While flooding the barracks with tear gas is an effective means to get soldiers out of bed faster, it is not allowed to be used in this role.
46. Riot control should not include the use of close air support.
47. Defusing unexploded ordinance should be handled by trained professionals, not the soldier who drew the short straw.
48. Not allowed to make posters depicting the failures of the chain of command.
49. It is not appropriate to hold a vote to determine who should spearhead an attack.
50. We cannot win the Metal Head War with ‘The Power of Friendship’.
51. Tanks should not be repaired with scrap metal and duct tape. Crew casualties due to armor failure were up by 15% last month.
52. Metal Head fliers cannot be defeated with ‘a giant fly swatter’.
53. Anti-aircraft guns are not to be used for bird hunting.
54. It is inappropriate to repossess civilian vehicles using Guard authority because you’re too tired to walk.
55. An order to polish your armor means all of your armor.
56. No part of your armor is optional, no matter how heavy it is.
57. A crowbar, a bicycle pump, and a plate of asparagus are not appropriate items to request for use in an interrogation.
58. ‘Waterboarding’ does not refer to surfing, and it is wrong to tell new recruits that it does.
59. Green Eco is not a recreational drug, and does not act as one no matter how much you inject yourself with.
60. You cannot make a vehicle faster by rubbing the engine with Blue Eco.
61. We cannot breech the Metal Head Nest with a catapult and ‘a huge fucking rock’.
62. Not allowed to declare martial law over the break room.
63. Even if Commander Errol does it.
64. No longer allowed to imply that the Baron is ‘overcompensating for something’ due to the size and shape of the Palace.
65. The Krimzon Guard does not have a scuba division.
66. Not allowed to create a scuba division.
67. If you hear the phrase “Hey, is this flammable?”, RUN! Chances are someone is already testing it.
68. Third Echelon snipers should not be used to assassinate officers you don’t like.
69. Green Eco does not cure wrinkles, and you should stop implying to older officers that they should try it.
70. It is not possible to domesticate a Metal Head, and attempting to do so is strictly forbidden.
71. It is not appropriate to ask anyone about the Metal Head reproductive process.
72. Commander Errol should be addressed as ‘Sir’ or ‘Commander’, not ‘My Liege’, ‘Supreme Overlord’, ‘Chairman’, or ‘Dragon’.
73. It is not appropriate to recruit convicted criminals for the Guard because ‘they’ll fit right in’.
74. Hiring mercenaries is not allowed.
75. Even if you call them ‘civilian contractors’.
76. The following items do not exist: Eco converters, armor-piercing knives, supersonic entrenching tools, or low-drag Hellcat engines.
77. “First Echelon armor isn’t fireproof” is not a challenge. Specialist Jamison is currently being treated for second-degree burns.
78. Not allowed to form a union.
79. Napalm should never be used to start campfires, even if it’s homemade.
80. It is inappropriate to place bets on the next officer to be assassinated by the Underground.
81. Not allowed to call in armored units as backup for misdemeanor arrests.
82. “Putting the ‘if’ in ‘life’” is not an appropriate recruitment slogan.
83. Anyone claiming to be the reincarnation of Mar is lying.
84. The properties of Eco do not invalidate physics, and you should not debate this with the Military Research Division.
85. Ecoists are not to be referred to as wizards, and are not capable of using black magic.
1. Commander Errol does not have schizophrenia, and you should stop pretending to hear orders given by ‘the voices in his head’.
2. Hand grenades are not golf balls, and should not be used as such.
3. Related to the above, the firing range at Fortress Command is not an appropriate place to host any sort of sporting event.
4. Even if they are intended to promote unit cohesion.
5. Stuffing a Metal Head corpse and posing it inside Major Knight’s office as a prank was funny exactly once. That hallway still smells like napalm.
6. Transport aircraft and trained aircrews are in short supply, and will not be used for kamikaze attacks no matter how many times it is suggested.
7. There is not a midget trapped in the suggestion box.
8. The complaint department is not a front to arrest dissenters, and you should stop implying that it is.
9. Not allowed to join the Underground Resistance movement.
10. Even if you claim to be ‘infiltrating their ranks’. That’s the Second Echelon’s job.
11. Do not challenge any member of the First Echelon to light a cigarette with a flamethrower. They will always do it, and the damage to the Fortress Armory is still being repaired.
12. Second Echelon soldiers cannot turn invisible.
13. Not allowed to threaten anyone with Eco, especially if you aren’t an Ecoist.
14. Eco is a scarce resource, and tapping the grid to power any unauthorized equipment is strictly forbidden.
15. Directed energy weapons do not exist, and you should stop implying that Guard rifles are laser weapons.
16. No longer allowed to refer to the regular Guardsmen as ‘cannon fodder’, even if it’s true.
17. The person who electrified Commander Errol’s office doorknob will be shot when they are found.
18. ‘Hostage rescue’ and ‘strategic ordinance deployment’ should never be used in the same sentence.
19. To the First Echelon: Doors exist for a reason, and should be used whenever possible. Blasting through a wall is not always necessary when breaching and clearing a building.
20. No longer allowed to challenge a member of the Second Echelon to infiltrate the Metal Head Nest.
21. Even if they think they can do it.
22. Commander Errol and Baron Praxis are not having an affair, and the person who started that rumor will be executed when they are found.
23. It is inappropriate to use a Hellcat Cruiser to bypass traffic laws because you ‘need a drink right this second’.
24. Under no circumstances should landmines be used as mouse traps.
25. The Second Echelon is no longer allowed to use the slogan ‘dead witnesses are quiet witnesses’. It’s not good for civilian morale.
26. Soldiers are to stop referring to civilians as ‘suspects’ while they are within earshot.
27. The Underground has not infiltrated the Fortress, and Sergeant Victors is no longer allowed to perform interrogations.
28. Metal Heads do not use human spies, and therefore it is inappropriate to accuse a soldier of being one.
29. The Second Echelon is no longer allowed to refer to themselves as ‘Internal Affairs’.
30. We will not surrender to the Metal Heads.
31. Or the Underground.
32. Not allowed to mount a bayonet on the front of a Hellcat Cruiser.
33. Just because Sergeant Mendoza can create explosives from blasting caps, gunpowder, and ‘that purple stuff from the Hip Hog’ doesn’t mean they should be used in place of standard grenades. There is still a massive hole in the exterior wall of the Fortress.
34. A taxidermied Metal Head leg is not an appropriate replacement for a melee weapon.
35. Referring to the Fortress prison block as ‘the dungeons’ is not allowed.
36. Or the ‘maximum fun zone’.
37. Not allowed to scream ‘it’s alive, it’s alive!’ during Dark Eco experiments on live subjects.
38. Command decisions cannot be vetoed by a 2/3 majority vote.
39. Lubricating oil is in short supply, and should not be applied to boot soles as a prank.
40. Not allowed to conscript children into the Guard for being annoying. The minimum age for enlistment is 17.
41. Not allowed to hijack propaganda stations to play your own voice recordings.
42. Zephan the ottsel is not a pet, and you should not refer to him as such. Operative Harland is still in the infirmary being treated for a pinched nerve and multiple lacerations.
43. Not authorized to operate military vehicles without proper training.
44. Especially if you’re drunk.
45. While flooding the barracks with tear gas is an effective means to get soldiers out of bed faster, it is not allowed to be used in this role.
46. Riot control should not include the use of close air support.
47. Defusing unexploded ordinance should be handled by trained professionals, not the soldier who drew the short straw.
48. Not allowed to make posters depicting the failures of the chain of command.
49. It is not appropriate to hold a vote to determine who should spearhead an attack.
50. We cannot win the Metal Head War with ‘The Power of Friendship’.
51. Tanks should not be repaired with scrap metal and duct tape. Crew casualties due to armor failure were up by 15% last month.
52. Metal Head fliers cannot be defeated with ‘a giant fly swatter’.
53. Anti-aircraft guns are not to be used for bird hunting.
54. It is inappropriate to repossess civilian vehicles using Guard authority because you’re too tired to walk.
55. An order to polish your armor means all of your armor.
56. No part of your armor is optional, no matter how heavy it is.
57. A crowbar, a bicycle pump, and a plate of asparagus are not appropriate items to request for use in an interrogation.
58. ‘Waterboarding’ does not refer to surfing, and it is wrong to tell new recruits that it does.
59. Green Eco is not a recreational drug, and does not act as one no matter how much you inject yourself with.
60. You cannot make a vehicle faster by rubbing the engine with Blue Eco.
61. We cannot breech the Metal Head Nest with a catapult and ‘a huge fucking rock’.
62. Not allowed to declare martial law over the break room.
63. Even if Commander Errol does it.
64. No longer allowed to imply that the Baron is ‘overcompensating for something’ due to the size and shape of the Palace.
65. The Krimzon Guard does not have a scuba division.
66. Not allowed to create a scuba division.
67. If you hear the phrase “Hey, is this flammable?”, RUN! Chances are someone is already testing it.
68. Third Echelon snipers should not be used to assassinate officers you don’t like.
69. Green Eco does not cure wrinkles, and you should stop implying to older officers that they should try it.
70. It is not possible to domesticate a Metal Head, and attempting to do so is strictly forbidden.
71. It is not appropriate to ask anyone about the Metal Head reproductive process.
72. Commander Errol should be addressed as ‘Sir’ or ‘Commander’, not ‘My Liege’, ‘Supreme Overlord’, ‘Chairman’, or ‘Dragon’.
73. It is not appropriate to recruit convicted criminals for the Guard because ‘they’ll fit right in’.
74. Hiring mercenaries is not allowed.
75. Even if you call them ‘civilian contractors’.
76. The following items do not exist: Eco converters, armor-piercing knives, supersonic entrenching tools, or low-drag Hellcat engines.
77. “First Echelon armor isn’t fireproof” is not a challenge. Specialist Jamison is currently being treated for second-degree burns.
78. Not allowed to form a union.
79. Napalm should never be used to start campfires, even if it’s homemade.
80. It is inappropriate to place bets on the next officer to be assassinated by the Underground.
81. Not allowed to call in armored units as backup for misdemeanor arrests.
82. “Putting the ‘if’ in ‘life’” is not an appropriate recruitment slogan.
83. Anyone claiming to be the reincarnation of Mar is lying.
84. The properties of Eco do not invalidate physics, and you should not debate this with the Military Research Division.
85. Ecoists are not to be referred to as wizards, and are not capable of using black magic.
