[W] Aaraken [H]

[kelinna]

I've read the character sheet a few times and some of the things I think need some tweaks are...

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Age- Please give a specific age. In game the other players wouldn't need to know his real age but for the sake of character building, I ask you put one.

Posture- Either he purchased the hover boots or stole them, can’t see how he would be able to build a device like so.

Personality- Is he nice or evil? You have made a few contradictions which would leave most confused about his true personality.

Occupation- Okay… Where to start... Yes I understand he is a child ‘prodigy’ but the list needs to be narrowed down. He is still only a child. I do not see how an adult would search out a boy for such dangerous outings. I would suggest one specialty and one hobby for him. Another thing being the wilderness guide and going along with mercenaries, to me that just too much and they would go with a professional. Not a little kid.

Abilities/Skills- Unless he steals or goes into town frequently for parts, I don’t see how he can be building all these mechanics you have listed. Also some places don’t even have such items he would probably need for these feats of grandeur.

Powers- Remember that every character starts out with basic eco. You must purchase higher eco powers from the store on the forum.

Weapons- The gunspear seems to me to powerful of a weapon. As a beginning character it would not be fair for him to be in possession of such a thing as so many had to earn or purchase their weapons through orbs. You can say he is proficient in spears or alright in guns, but the gunspear is most likely out.

History- How young was he when wondering the streets avoiding his parents? Were there nannies or butlers attempting to find him? I do not however see how Precursor Monks were able to sneak into Haven without someone noticing. Also seeing how the Monks are allies with Wastelanders, they would have stayed with them before entering the city. The Monks are too noticeable and would stick out like a sore thumb even in the ghettos of Haven.

I do not see how they could have simply stayed away from those who would gladly turn them in for a reward. How old was he when the Baron’s era of power fell? Just how exactly did he escape the city? Did his parents ever look for him or send people to hunt down their son? Since he came from a well off family, just how exactly did he fair living in the wild?

Even when sneaking off to the poorer districts in Haven he was still in the city. He is only a child and children have needs, fears, and protection. You mentioned that he isn’t very strong, how could he have survived doing extreme labor? Perhaps an old hermit helped him for however long he was out there?

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I list these things because you mentioned how you are new to forum roleplay. Your character has great potential but needs pruning and editing. If you have any questions or confused about something, please PM me.

[Paladin89]

^What she said. Thank you Kelinna for helping, lack of sleep has kept me from noticing most of that though I completly agree. Listen well to Kelinna she is a pro at this stuff!

[psychotrip]

Thanks for your feeback, and I appreciate it! I can take away any of the more outlandish stuff like the hovering and the like. I figured he could have made it from precursor technology he salvaged. I also imagined it only allowing him to float a foot or so off the ground, not letting him fly over obstacles and the like. But yeah, if it's too much that's fine. I also imagined the weapon to start off pretty basic, just firing some bolts like a basic rifle would, the spear acting sort of like a bayonette, but that overtime he'd improve upon its design. In terms of his morality, he doesn't really have much going either way. He wont go out of his way to hurt people, but he places his research above almost everything else, and he doesn't really have many friends he cares about yet. Also, the reason why his personality sometimes contradicts itself is because he'd probably be, by real-world standards, considered bipolar amongst other things. I'm bipolar irl, so I can vouge for that sort of shifting, nonsensical behavior when you're not treated. In regards to the eco, I'm willing to make it as weak as needed until I get more orbs to upgrade, I was just trying to illustrate how he can improvise with it, but yeah I'm more than willing to change that. I see what you mean about the precursor monks. I figured that with unique-looking people like Kor and Sig being able to smuggle themselves into the city, they could find a way as well, but they ARE a bit too distinct. Maybe they were disguised? I dont know, but it's not that important. I can change it if there's no logical explanation. In regards to his occupation, I understand that in real life someone his age wouldn't be able to do the things I listed, but I figured that since Jak had been adventuring since before he was 15 it would make sense in the game world. For the history, I can make it more detailed and fix/alter the precursor monk thing if need-be.

Again, thanks for the feedback. I'll work on this character. Not bad for my first try though, right? :]

[dbkillerex]

It's a reat first try, my first character could fuse into shadows.... What's up with that? ^_^
Anyway, I'm bi-polar too here and I understand wanting your character to have the same character... but it's really hard to RP a bi-polar character without making the changes to obvious/drastic and still having people understand that this dissorder is the cause of his behavior changes.

You might wanna scratch it and see what kind of personality your character imposes upon itself. These things take life u know